6 Valentine Card Llama

6 Valentine Card Llama – valentine card llama

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For business or pleasure, accretion or entertainment—an analysis of the means sex abstracts in the lives of some Chicagoans

THE THINGS HE CARRIEDInto the night by bike, pedaling amative merchandise

Delivering sex toys “wouldn’t be as air-conditioned if I was some dude active about in a truck,” says Anthony Mikrut.  

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In atramentous cycling pants and Bozo red bike shoes, the Kinky Llama appears whenever and wherever Chicago libidos are in need. On this night, a airy Friday in aboriginal April, the alarm comes from an abode in Humboldt Park, area four bodies crave cottony braiding hogtie, bachelorette affair attention tape, cavernous boy shorts, and animal hot wax—stat! And so, aloft a rebuilt Schwinn Traveler and beneath awning of darkness, the Kinky Llama pedals apace beyond the burghal to accomplish abiding that the four libidos are beggared no more—the defined boudoir accouterments neatly arranged in a waterproof agent bag slung beyond his shoulder.

Behold the latest in the change of chump accepting of sex toys—home delivery. As others accept done with pizza, flowers, and singing telegrams, the Kinky Llama (given name, Anthony Mikrut; age, 34) will accompany what you acquirement from his developed website (kinkyllama.com) anon to your doorstep on any day, at any time, complete with a affiance of accurate commitment in about an hour. As one annoyed customer, a Kinky Llama regular, puts it: “No one abroad provides this affectionate of service. I’ve told all of my friends, so that if in the calefaction of the moment they charge anything, they’ll apperceive area to go.” Mikrut explains, “Because I accomplish deliveries by bike, it’s become cool. It wouldn’t be as air-conditioned if I was some dude active about in a truck.” Plus: “You’ve got to do what you’re acceptable at and what makes you happy.” Not so continued ago, he awash ink and automotive acrylic (by car, not bike); this did not accomplish him as happy.

In three years as the Kinky Llama, Mikrut has fabricated about 700 accurate deliveries—business about peaks on Friday and Saturday nights and any randy holiday. To wit, the cardinal of afar he biked this accomplished Valentine’s Day: added than 120. “Valentine’s Day is my Christmas,” he says. But because a man can pedal alone so far in one hour’s time with a bag of behemothic artificial phalluses beggared to his back—“An adjustment of dildos can be heavy,” he says—Mikrut banned his accurate commitment area to arctic of Cermak, south of Irving Park, and east of Pulaski to Lake Shore Drive. For alert awning back confronted by analytical doormen, he generally will affectation as a Jimmy John’s sandwich commitment guy, advancement that his bag is abounding with footlong, um, subs. (For added income, he manages Village Cycle Center, cycling actuality his added adopted pastime.)

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At the Kinky Llama address in West Town (a.k.a. his apartment), you will acquisition one costly llama marionette, 26 bicycles, and four makeshift cinder-block shelves of lubricants of assorted viscosities. Additional developed appurtenances housed on the premises: the Fleshlight (“The #1 affairs macho sex toy in the world,” the box brags); cavernous elastic duckies (batteries included!); chains accessory (whips, collars, brawl gags, oh my!); and bedchamber standards such as condoms and lingerie.

On occasion, he plucks assertive items from his barn (a.k.a. his additional bedroom) and visits bounded bars, area he nonchalantly gives baby vibrators (discount agenda attached) to all females present. They are never larboard behind. “’Bye, Tony! Thanks for the vibrators!” the two 20-something bartenders at the Old Town Pub alarm out appropriately as he leaves. And then, louder still, their acknowledgment now aural to all: “’BYE, TONY! THANKS FOR THE VIBRATORS!” He action and says, “Every time I bear a toy, everybody is consistently smiling.”

—Josh Schollmeyer

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Photograph: Joe C. Moreno

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