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Rose lovers, if you had told me six months ago that I would be voluntarily recapping a six-episode singing appearance on ABC, I would accept slapped those words appropriate out of your mouth. But these are aberrant and alarming times. The Bachelor is over, and The Bachelorette has been adjourned indefinitely. Bachelor Summer Games is dead, and it seems awful absurd that Paradise will accessible on agenda (if at all).

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Things are grim, rose lovers. And so, we about-face to the one being who never lets us down.

ABC

Fine. Fine. Fine. LET’S RECAP, DAMMIT!

Listen to Your Affection is Team Bachelor’s attack to adjure up a little A Star Is Built-in abracadabra — bare the suicide at the end, one hopes. (The adventure has been the aforementioned aback 1937, so stop whining about spoilers.) This Frankenstein’s monster of a absoluteness appearance throws 20 distinct bodies calm to date and advance their not-yet-existent music careers. “Will a aggregate adulation of music advance to a adulation that is aggregate forever?” asks Harrison. No, no it will not. But why not pretend for the abutting six weeks? It’s not like any of us are activity anywhere. (Please break home. Amuse ablution your hands.)

Let’s accommodated the singing singles!

Brandon, 34: This above Marine advance assassin from Nashville has apparent some things. Music helped him get through the absurd accent of serving, and now he’s accessible to “build a activity with a woman.”

Bri, 28: Her aftermost adulation activity concluded with a burst engagement, abrogation this accompanist from Provo, Utah, absolutely “crushed.” Now, with the admonition of Mike Fleiss and some TV cameras, she’s accessible to date again.

Sheridan, 27: This longhaired adolescent man from Austin loves hats and his argent Subaru (he alleged it “Sheila”). Having spent the aftermost several months active out of his SUV while he played gigs all over the country, Sheridan is accessible to acquisition a “co-pilot for Sheila.”

Bekah, 25: Oh Lord, we accept a agreeable amphitheater weirdo. “I don’t abide afterwards agreeable theater,” says Bekah. Also:

ABC

Yep.

Gabe, 28: This handsome lad from Houston plays the cello and he can casting a tractor tire! Plus, he loves the Lord! He’s already way too acceptable for this accomplished situation!

Story continues

Savannah, 25: This yoga abecedary from Nashville is both a “free spirit” and a “wild child.” In added words, she loves clichés.

Trevor, 29: He has a dog. Attending at that acceptable boy!

ABC

He (Trevor) was additionally on American Idol a few years ago, and Katy Perry declared him “so hot.” (Of course, the Bachelor authorization doesn’t apperception demography addition show’s awkward seconds. It about invented the abstraction of awkward seconds!)

Jamie, 21: If you anticipation we were activity to get through this accomplished premiere afterwards anyone saying, “Music is my adulation language,” this apple-cheeked adolescent woman from Nashville aloof accepted you wrong. Also, anybody she’s anytime anachronous has cheated on her.

Eight is abundant (introduction packages), rose lovers — time to move on to the action. Jamie is the aboriginal into Casa LTYH (a.k.a. Hummingbird Nest Ranch in Simi Valley), and it isn’t continued afore she’s squealing and throwing her accoutrements about the aboriginal man there (Ryan, 28). Matt, 32, is abutting — and at aboriginal I wasn’t abiding about him because he shaves the abandon of his arch and performs article alleged “Neo-Soul.” But again Matt accepted that he’s never apparent The Bachelor and he didn’t alike apperceive Chris Harrison’s name (“It’s Chris, uh… Hemsworth?”) — so now he is asleep to me.

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Savannah struts in next, followed by Mel, a 27-year-old waitress/indie rocker from Brooklyn. Gabe shows up abutting (no barter annoy in sight), and again it’s time to accommodated Rudi, a 24-year-old flat diva from Texas who has, and I quote, “dated all of L.A. already.” Back Trevor walks in, Jamie — who had been flirting ceaseless with Ryan — has her “head turned,” as they say on the U.K. Adulation Island. (Man, I absence the U.K. Adulation Island.) “We accept so abundant in common,” gushes Jamie.

But aloof as Jamie is acquisitive that no “douchebags” airing into the party, in strolls this dude:

ABC

True to form, Michael starts belting out an aboriginal composition, if you appetite to alarm it that. I would say that his articulation sounds a little like Adam Levine on helium, but that’s affectionate of an insult to both Adam Levine and helium. “This guy’s weird,” addendum Jamie. He’s additionally a skeeze: Afterwards aloof a few account of flirting with Savannah, he starts angling for a kiss.

“I like your lips,” he murmurs, aptitude in slightly. “Thank you,” replies Savannah. Seeing that he’s accepting nowhere, Michael leans in alike further and bites his basal lip. “A lot,” he says. Savannah, who acutely has no absorption in kissing him, says, “I acknowledge it,” and refuses to angular anywhere abreast him. “You don’t like my lips?” Michael pouts. News flash, Michael: No one seems to like your aperture as abundant as you do.

Later, Savannah vents to the camera. “It’s night one, and I’ve already had to contrivance a kiss,” she sighs. “It’s not alike night one. We’re in hour one!”

ABC

We get it, girl.

It seems like alike the producers are accepting annoyed of these yahoos because aback a accomplished agglomeration of new bodies are there that we never alike saw airing in. There’s Russell, a 26-year-old “American folk” accompanist from New York; a country accompanist in a ample cowboy hat; a singer-songwriter alleged Chris (30, Los Angeles); and a “young, jacked Mr. Clean” alleged Josh.

Soon afterwards Sheridan arrives, we get all of the final arrivals in accelerated succession: A alpine albino alleged Julia (27, pop accompanist from Pennsylvania); a 23-year-old R&B artisan alleged Cheyenne; Bri of the burst engagement; and Brandon, the above Marine.

Okay, Harrison, can you get in actuality and lay out the “rules,” please? Banausic banausic blah, adventurous dates, banausic banausic banausic date cards, banausic banausic banausic rose ceremonies. There are 12 men and eight women, so four men are activity home at the aboriginal rose ceremony.

For now, though, the contestants are beatific to their apartment — which, literally, are aloof two big apartment outfitted with adorned Ikea applesauce beds. From there, the men and the women absorb some time chatting, separately, about who they’re into. Sheridan has his eye on Julia, so as anon as the assortment is aback in session, he steals her abroad to accomplish a “connection.” Turns out back she’s not singing, Julia — who was built-in with cystic fibrosis — runs a nonprofit that provides music analysis programs for children’s hospitals. “I feel like such an underachiever!” jokes Sheridan. (He’s allegedly not joking. The guy lived in his Subaru.)

Unfortunately for Sheridan, Brandon anon swoops in to cut his time with Julia short. Brandon’s flirting appearance is absolutely afterpiece to the “douchebag” end of the spectrum than Sheridan’s. “Are you attractive at my lips?” he teases Julia as they sip affair by the fire. (What is it with these guys and lips???) And appropriate afterwards that, he leans in for the kiss.

ABC

Gross. Alike worse, afterwards that, he pulls out his guitar and serenades her. Rose lovers, I abhorrence that s— on The Bachelorette, and I abhorrence it here. But as I mentioned before, we are in awful times, and ABC has tricked me into recapping a singing show.

Anyhow, all the guys are afraid to accomplish a “connection” with someone, anyone. Matt, who is absorbed in Rudi, decides “it ability be a air-conditioned affair to alpha off night one with a little hot-tub action.” Of advance there’s a hot tub, rose lovers! And for the additional time in this division premiere, a man tries to burden the woman he’s with — a woman he’s aloof met — to kiss him.

“Just because time is of the essence, do you adjudicator a being on how they kiss?” Matt asks Rudi, and she is predictably mortified.

ABC

Rudi wants to delay because she has accepted this dude for like an hour. Michael Todd is additionally activity the bite of rejection: He approved to get Bri to booty a dip in the hot tub with him, and she pulled out the old “I accept to go abandon my bladder” excuse. Finally, we cut to two bodies who absolutely appetite to kiss anniversary other: Ryan and Jamie.

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ABC

And there’s alike bigger news: Ryan has a job, as an ophthalmic technician, so she won’t be dating a deadbeat if this music affair doesn’t assignment out. But Jamie is additionally into Trevor. Like, “hot tub make-out session” into him.

ABC

“I’m just, like, so confused, and I’ve alone been actuality a few hours!” giggles Jamie.

The abutting morning, Trevor is activity adequately assured about accepting Jamie’s rose. “We accept a lot in accepted musically,” he explains. But back the aboriginal date agenda arrives, Ryan — Trevor’s capital battling for Jamie’s angel — is the one who gets to aces a “lucky” “lady” for a one-on-one outing. What are the odds, right?

Of course, the bespectacled Tom Everett Scott lookalike chooses Jamie for the date. And of course, the date involves singing — at the world-famous Capitol Records building, beneath the alert eye of Grammy-winning ambassador John Alagía. Jamie and Ryan’s mission? To almanac a appropriate adaptation of the John Mayer song “Gravity.” Alagía informs the duo that they’ll be singing into a microphone already acclimated by Frank Sinatra, which alone adds to the burden — because that mic will absolutely apperceive if they suck. Get to work, you two!

ABC

Jamie’s a little afraid at first, but again Ryan changes the key so the melody will clothing her articulation better, and she’s like, OMG that’s soooo sweet. Huh. Affair is altered with musicians, I guess?

Back at Hummingbird House (or whatever), date agenda cardinal two arrives. It goes to Matt — but rather than allurement Rudi, the woman he approved to burden into kissing him in the hot tub, Matt asks Mel on the date. Rudi is, in a word, nonplussed.

ABC

F that noise, Rudi. You can do better.

If you’re apprehensive what happened with Ryan and Jamie, they assuredly sang “Gravity” calm and again aggregate a smooch on the roof of the Capitol Records architecture as the sun set.

ABC

“Us singing calm definitely, like, brings up, like, the affair level,” says Jamie. “I feel like it absolutely sped up my affiliation with him.”

Elsewhere in the Listen-verse, Chris the body accompanist is “vibing” with Bri the pop artist. Rudi, meanwhile, is “vibing” with the abstraction of trashing Matt to all of the added women. “When we sat down, he was like, ‘What do you like to do? I’m demography you on the date,’” Rudi tells Savannah and Bekah. “I swear. I sat down, he was like, ‘I appetite to booty you on the date.’”

Based on what we saw, this isn’t accurate — Matt artlessly asked her what she would like to do on a date — but who knows what we didn’t see. “Hopefully their date is terrible,” Rudi groans. Well, Matt and Mel’s date involves a “private” backyard concert by the Plain White T’s — so Rudi, I anticipate you got your wish.

As the aboriginal rose commemoration approaches, abounding of the guys — including Trevor and Sheridan — are activity nervous. Admitting Sheridan wants Julia’s rose, he’s afraid that the “all-American,” “ripped,” “bald” dude alleged Josh may abduct her affection first. And he has a big acumen to worry:

ABC

“I absolved outside, and Julia and Josh are all over anniversary other,” says Sheridan. “I’ve gotta accomplish a move.” But oh my GOD, why does Sheridan’s “move” accept to be serenading Julia with a half-finished song?

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ABC

But Julia LOVES it. She gives Sheridan a big smooch. “That was so special!” she says.

Oh, and if you’re apprehensive how Matt’s Plain White T’s date with Mel went, the acknowledgment is: Nowhere. “There aloof wasn’t abundant of a spark,” admits Matt. (And Mel has already abashed on to Gabe, the handsome soul/folk accompanist from Houston.) Knowing he needs a rose from someone, Matt decides to “circle back” to Rudi, the woman he pressured in the hot tub and additionally dissed with the date card. I’m abiding this will go REALLY well.

ABC

Rudi reads Matt the anarchism act for cogent her he was activity to booty her on the date (true? We’ll never know). Matt says she charge accept “misinterpreted” what he said, but he additionally apologizes if he “worded it poorly.” As Rudi continues to abuse him, Matt assuredly aloof blurts this out: “Sometimes being comes out of my mouth, and I don’t alike apperceive what’s activity on.” This may be the best honest affair anytime said on a Bachelor-related show. But yeah, Matt is not accepting Rudi’s rose. “I’m appealing abiding I’m screwed,” he says.

Gah, there is annihilation I abhorrence added than watching addition carol addition else, and this godforsaken appearance is FULL OF PEOPLE SERENADING OTHER PEOPLE.

ABC

Yep, that’s Michael Todd assuming his hit carol “Hot Touch” for Rudi, who loves it so abundant she twerks and shows her underwear. Who says musicians can’t be as abject as Bachelor in Paradise contestants?

In a last-ditch accomplishment to get Jamie’s rose, Trevor pulls her aside. “This isn’t, like, my last-ditch to try and, like, get a rose,” he says. “I aloof appetite to adhere with you… I aloof adore spending time with you.” Oooh, he’s good. And because these guys allegedly accept no added amour accoutrement at their disposal, Trevor grabs his guitar and sings “Slow Dancing in a Burning Room.” Addition John Mayer tune — booty that, Ryan! Do I charge to acquaint you, baby readers, that Jamie LOVES it?

ABC

“I’m just, um, confused,” a bathetic Jamie tells us afterwards her additional smooch of the night. “I aloof don’t assurance myself at all!” You shouldn’t, Jamie! You’re 21 years old, and you voluntarily active up for a music-themed Bachelor aftereffect — clearly, your acumen is atrocious.

Rose commemoration time! Attending at this lot. These bodies attending like a classic-rock awning bandage alleged Nightmare Stepdad.

ABC

The “ladies” will be handing out the roses tonight, and Harrison has one aftermost allotment of admonition for them.

ABC

This f—ing show. I abhorrence myself. Okay, let’s do this. Rose commemoration cycle call: Savannah gives her rose to Brandon; Mel gives her rose to Gabe; Bekah gives her rose to Danny (who?); Bri gives her rose to Chris (and his gold lamé scarf); Cheyenne gives her rose to Matt (well that screams “producer’s handiwork,” doesn’t it?); Julia gives her rose to Sheridan; and Jamie gives her rose to Trevor. Goddammit, Jamie! Fortunately, there’s one rose left, and Rudi will do whatever the producers acquaint her.

ABC

Huzzah, Ryan survives for addition week. Sorry Jack, Josh, Russell, and Michael Todd, but your “journey” ends here. Also, I’m appealing abiding we never absolutely abstruse Jack’s name — I aloof akin his face to the account on the ABC website. Addition affair I abstruse from that website? We haven’t met the absolute casting yet! As the previews reveal, abutting anniversary a agglomeration of hot women access at Hummingbird Manor, or whatever — acceptation this is like Bachelor in Paradise (or Adulation Island) but with 100 percent added serenading. My God, this is activity to be unbearable… and I will watch every abuse additional of it.

Welp, rose lovers, are you benumbed this affliction alternation with me? If so, which one of these “couples” or “singers” are you acclaim for? Will you absence Michael Todd and his “Hot Touch” moves? Is anyone there acceptable abundant for Ryan? And do you anticipate Amazon still has earplugs in stock? Post your thoughts below!

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